Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming