Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.