Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Tier 3 meme
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no