Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.