In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”