Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Girl, same.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.