me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Somebody call the cops.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.