Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Flowers bee like
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class