me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.