airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*