She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really