new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Festive toon…
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Growing up was a huge mistake
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m not stressed