Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
So sick of all these stupid rules
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN