Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
This is true.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Lmao
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
guys I’m going home
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus