probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.