My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
According to math, I’m broke
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Life cycle of cat