Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.