My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
![]()
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
![]()
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.