Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

first you must answer his riddles

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.