Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever