Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My last name is Zilla.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
so this horse walks into a bar
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.