Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”