Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
There is wisdom there.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth