Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
God has left this place
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere