My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You Might Also Like
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.