My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
my depression: I鈥檓 sad
my anxiety: but why now I鈥檓 worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I鈥檓 sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Breaking news:
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don鈥檛
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
This salad I鈥檓 having for lunch tastes a lot like I鈥檓 having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there鈥檚 no way I鈥檒l be strong enough by then.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter鈥檚 boyfriend every time he leaves
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If one door closes & another door opens, you鈥檙e probably in prison.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you鈥檙e tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she鈥檚 had it with you.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i鈥檓 ready to help guard the olives