One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Google Pay be like:
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
He-man has a Masters degree
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.