“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.