“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
brian had himself a morning…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Saturday
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Bobby pin
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.