Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game