My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.