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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
who wore it better?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.