Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.