frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.