If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Social distancing in Australia: