I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.