According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.