you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
But that’s none of my business
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.