Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]