@kidphonic

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

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@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@portmanteauface

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

@mommajessiec

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

@Book_Krazy

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

@Stexcy

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

@Marlebean

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@Samiam556

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”