The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever


“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo


How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue


Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.


“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”


To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.


Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”