The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?