Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!