My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated