As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.