Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”