*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You Might Also Like
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Happy Friday
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.