If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Strange
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Alexa: *deep breath*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Saw your ex at the shops
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”