Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks