To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
is it earth
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?