there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Sunday
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science