I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?