[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.