I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When I said I liked it rough.