[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
why isn’t thunder called soundning